Pintura Eterna

It's been such a long time I don't expose myself publicly. Actually, I don't even remember if once in life I made it.

The fact is when you realize you are living and you are not leaving clues about your own experiences, and you feel this is important for your own register as a person who cares about yourself,you should take a time and make it happens soon.

I intend to share some of my stories and being as honest as possible with me and with those who read this blog. It's not an easy thing to do, but I will try my best. I hope it can be an amazing trip toward myself. And please feel free if you have something to say. Enjoy!

 FROM THE SCRATCH - PART I 

 Here I would say my name is "Mr Phoenix". The reason is pretty much obvious. I've been through the death's road for several times, and I know how is to wake up everyday and to look at back and see we are real miracles.

I am a gay man in my 40's and live by myself in a very comfortable one bedroom apartment where I do have everything I need to possibly be happy. It wasn't always like this, anyways.

The follow story is real, and you will see how great life can be, and how we do have what we do deserve, and sometimes we do have much more than we do really deserve, when we do have in mind how bad in life we acted.

 As I already mentioned I have been through a lot. Today I ask myself if it was a personal choice, or if my only choice was to accept what life had to offer to me at the time my courage leaded my decisions, and I just took that as I din't have any other possibility, and at that point, my choice was not to have choices. From the scratch - when everything started

My story is similar to thousand other stories where people are born and raised in poor families, have the minimal to survive and so on. I won't give so many details about the environment I was raised because you will see by yourself here along my other tales.

Since I was a little kid I wanted to speak other languages, to travel the world and to make fortune. Actually, during my entire life all those thoughts have been taking a real form in my mind, and the way I live today is defined by these first impressions I did have about life.

I was born in a country where the most succeeded boys from my financial background used to be soccer players. Me myself never liked the idea, and my dream in life was to become a doctor. I used to picture myself performing surgeries, subscribing medication and being famous, with lots of money.

 For this reason, I studied more than the average kids at the same age as me. Although my family was not a wealthy one, my father was always trying his best to keep me and my sister in a good school.

We both went to private schools, and we had a very good basic education. I loved studying, and it wasn't a kind of good thing among boys, since boys were supposed to play soccer, and to have as many women as possible as girlfriends. Not my deal though. Later on I will count a little more about that time.

I want to start by saying a few words which I think it is important to understand where I am in life today since the very beginning of my journey. Drawing the general picture to illustrate where I am today in age, will give to those who read my stories a better understanding on how I decided top write this blog.

 I will start by saying what I do for work. To be honest, me myself cannot understand what I do for living, but will try my best. I teach foreign languages to high end financial professional.

 I work as an independent contractor for a language school located in Manhattan, and have some private students.I also have a contract with a school located in Florida, and I do work with a student only. Other than that, I do marketing services for a private productions on Broadway, and have just started a new business with one of my students and a friend from my homeland.

 I consider my story a story of success. Why? Well, here we go. I lived for almost 7 years as a homeless, in the biggest cities in my homeland.

 I shared spaces with other homeless under fancy bridges located in wealthy areas. I shared floors with mutt dogs, benches of hospitals with mental deceased people, and for seven years during the Christmas season, I had only a cup of soup and a dry bread as main banquet - which by the way I always highly appreciated.

 What made me different from the other homeless? I was educated! I studied, I had an amazing verbal skill - communication always will be my good and bad weapon to survive. I remember it was X-mas night and I was trying to sleep in a bench, located in a big opened area in a hospital, very far from downtown.

 It was summer, and the weather was very warm. I decided to take my t-shirt off, and use it as a pillow. It was very uncomfortable and the narrow space where I tried to accommodate my skin body was causing me pain. I had fall asleep, and woke up feeling something weird. I felt someone was watching me very close. It was a black man, with his hair shaved and lots of scares all over his body. It seemed he had been used as a guinea pig in one of that crazy experiences we have seen in the old science fiction movies. He was there, staring me lie down on the bench, with a frozen face with no reaction. I was a little afraid, and jumped right on, sitting quietly and protecting the little things I used to carry along with me - an old backpack,flip-flops, and a couple of old t-shirts to change. Also some deodorant and a piece of soap, and always a book. I guess at that time I was reading AN INVITATION TO PHILOSOPHIZE,by Brazilian writer Marilena Chaui.

 Although scared, I realized that man was trying to get rid of something that was bothering him. As I look close, I saw he had a knife right hanged on his back, and he was seriously bleeding. Who had made such thing with that poor man? Who had stabbed a mental deceased homeless with such violence? I went so confused I Didn't know what to do. I had no money to take a tax cab. We had no phone around to call the police, and the hospital we were was located within a university which was closed that very night.

At that point I had to think fast not to witness somebody suffering deeply right before my eyes. I took one of my t-shirts off, and tried to stop that bleeding by pressuring with my hands. I pull out the knife carefully, and made the man sit in the bench while I was try to find some help. I left him in the bench and went to the road trying to find somebody.

The hospital we were was closed to the international airport, and I decided to run till there to get the help I needed. So I did. When I was crossing the first bridge, a police cab stopped me and I had to tell them what was going on. After explaining the reason why I was in rush, those police officers didn't give any importance to what I was trying to say, and cynically commented between them that "the city was getting rid of one more homeless".

Although disappointed with his attitudes, I decided to keep my way and go ahead to ask for help. As I was running to find somebody, a couple of cars pulled out and asked me why I was running so fast.

 Then I told them my story. They were part of a group which used to help homeless in the area. Nothing related to churches or organizations. Only friends who had decided to make some food to feed people living on the streets and keep them warm, giving some comfort back to the community they were living.

They were very concerned about my story and it wasn't necessary to go further to have their attention and consequently their help as well.

We ran together to make sure we were in time to find a proper help, but when we reached the place where the man was waiting for, it was already late.

That old mental deceased man, nameless, no family, no one to care about him, was lie down on the cold floor, dead, googly eyes as if he was agonizing in pain, and lacking of oxygen.

We all were turn off, witnessing that creepy scene, which illustrated all the negligence that surrounds our social environment. One of the guys who was in the group called the police, and for my surprise, the guys who had stopped me to ask what had happened few minutes before, were the same who came out to collect the corps.

 As good actors; social performers, they regretted what had happened, making silly comments about the security quality out of town. As the sunrise came, I was devastated, and saw myself reflected on that man's reality. I wasn't different of him. I had no place to stay and that made me vulnerable to the urban violence which massively affected the homeless community. I left that place in silence, heavy headed and walked along the road toward downtown.

As the sun reached the highest blue sky line, I could hear voices of happy children playing with their X-mas gifts. Happy families sat in front of their doors, and I wondered whether one day in life, that man I saw die before my eyes, had had the experience to feel happiness or living a beautiful moment in a sunny day of X-mas. - TO BE CONTINUED